Friday, November 11, 2005


So last thursday was the whole Anarchy in the UK problem which, I will admit was largely my fault. But this thursday I once again experienced another altercation at a bar and this time It was NOT my fault. The altercation took place at Siberia in midtown, a rock bar populated mostly by ex-frat boy white rap stars who are "cruising for ladies." My favorite scene right? So at around 3am everyone is having a good time. I'm dancing to a jukebox which is filled with suprisingly good music with some kids from ITP and it's all going very well. I decided to cut back on the drinking and began to order water from the bar. I walked over to the bar and ordered a glass of water, but the bartender, a ponchy man in his 30's wearing a grey knit skull cap was falling all over his own workstation. This was not the bartender I had been ordering drinks from all night. Rather this was some trust fund baby frat boy buddy of the bar owner who since he could not get laid any other way, decided to hit on all the asian girls of ITP from behind a bar.
"Water please?"
"We don't serve fucking wawteer at this bar man."
"Come on just give me a water."
"Alright I'll give you a water."
And with that, the surly bartender pitched a full glass of water onto my shirt.
A Pause. (Thinking back to the week before -stay out of fights gabe)
I picked up a handful of ice and launched at the guy's eyes scoring a direct hit and forcing the man to clutch his face.
"I'm going to fucking kill you!" He slobered as he jumped from behind the bar.
Now at this point I honestly thought he was kidding and so I quickly scampered around the room as the man chased me ala roadrunner Wile E Coyote. He was just so increadibly goofy looking with his grey skull cap and oafy looking face that I didn't actually take him seriously. But he was serious and proceeded to "try and fight me" for the rest of the night. His frat boy hijinks resulting in people having to hold him back from me for what seemed like 30 minutes. Ruined my night. I do not need to be thought of as the fighting guy of itp. SO finally after trying over and over to get somebody from the bar to kick him out, one of the bouncers finally picked him up and tossed the ex frat boy tubby bitch out of the bar.
So later I find out that this man had been hitting on all the asian girls of ITP and using derogatory terms to refer to them. I leave with two of my friends and we take a cab ride home.
But I feel strangely unfulfilled. I know that tomorrow this drunk asshole will be right back behind the bar pouring shots for girls filled with date rape drugs or something of that sort. So I get out my trusty cell phone:
"411 city and state please"
"New York, New York"
"What listing?"
"Siberia Bar."
"Hello I'm calling about an altercation that took place at your bar tonight. Generally we don't call about this sort of thing but I am a Los Angeles editor for the Fodor's yearly nightlife guide and tonight one of my writers was accosted by a bartender at your bar while trying to do research for a review. Are you aware that an altercation took place?"
"Yes there was a slight problem tonight"
"Well from what I understand, my reviewer ordered a glass of water and this water was thrown in his face by your bartender."
"Well let me tell you that this sort of thing never happens at our bar"
"Well it apparently did tonight and usually we don't make this kind of call, it's just that we would like to include your bar in our book but after the treatment my writer got tonight i'm afraid we can't."
"Oh but it's really not like this usually It was just a freak occurence and I can guarentee you that we will have whoever was involved fired immediately. Please come by tomorrow night and we can all have a drink and you can see the kind of place we have."
"Well I don't come out myself ever I send a writer incognito but we will re-review your bar, I just wanted to alert you of the problem so that we don't waste any more writers' time."
"Oh well we're very sorry and we guarentee that we will take care of the situation. seriously man this kind of stuff doesn't happen here alot it's just this guy who we've been looking for an excuse to get rid of but he's the owners friend. After this call though i'm sure there wont be a problem firing him."
"Well i'm glad to hear you are responsive to your customers have a good night"
"Thank you and please come by the bar anytime for a chat, the drinks are on us."
And I hung up the phone, feeling hungry for a chicken salad sandwich and Oliver Stones' film "The Doors." I stayed up till 7am.

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